Deidara Gets Cancer
by Topaznik-Citrine
Summary: Cruel prank by Itachi and Sasori leads to Deidara thinking he has cancer.


a/n: HAHAHA

**a/n: HAHAHA! YES, JUST ANOTHER CRACK FIC FROM YOUR INSANE AUTHORESSES, YASU & YASA!! - WE DECIDED ON DEIDARA CUZ HE HAS MOST HAIR. AND HE'S YASA'S FAVORITE.**

**MUHAHAHAH.**

**SUMMARY: A CRUEL JOKE LEADS TO DEIDARA THINKING HE HAS CANCER.**

**LET THE FUN BEGIN.**

**DISCLAIMER: WE WISH. **

**The rating is T for reasons we cannot say….lol. (WE JUST DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY CUZ OF KONAN AND PEIN.)**

**0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0OOO0O0O0O0O0O0O**

"I'm bored." Itachi sat on the couch with everyone else (except Deidara). Konan and Pein were making out, so they most obviously weren't bored. But, they were taking up most of the sofa.

"eh, want to wreak havoc on Konoha?" Sasori suggested.

"naaaa-aaah…." Itachi replied, interrupted by his own yawn.

"Hey, wanna play a prank on Deidara?" Sasori asked.

They looked over to a happy Deidara playing with his flammable moon sand outside.

Orochimaru was out molesting small male children….and asking advice from Michael Jackson. (We don't know how to spell the damn child molesters names, DAMN YOU)

Kisame was playing in the pool with his electronic fishies…. (THE ONES THAT MOVE IN THE WATER, GUYS.)

And Kakuzu was stealing money from lil 'ol ladies. Hidan was stabbing Deidara's pet chicken, BoomBoom.

And Tobi was at Toys'R'us scaring little children with his 'Good Boy' toys.

Zetsu was Photosynthesizing...,……,.,.,.,.,.,..,

And then Yasu died of a migraine. Yasa gave her an Advil and she was alright. On with the story then.

"So, what kind of prank?" Itachi asked.

"How about we poison his clay or something. Send him to six flags….freak show….mind freaks (TWITCH)….marshmallows!! PUPPET SHOWS!! THE SEED OF CHUCKY!!" Sasori was thrown into fits of convulsions, most likely having a seizure.

"Dude, what the HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SNAP OUTTA IT!!" Itachi yelled, bitch slapping him.

Sasori fell on the floor, and then sat back up. "…thanks, I needed that. Kay, so…LETS MAKE HIM THINK HE HAS SOME SORT OF DISEASE!!"

They high-fived. "Guys, were still right here." They looked to the side, seeing Konan sprawled on top of Pein, not making out for the moment.

"GETTA ROOM!!" Itachi yelled.

"….good idea." Pein said, helping Konan up and leading her to the room.

They weren't seen for the next 7 hours.

"…riiiiight, so, how're we gunna do this?" Itachi asked, turning his attention to Sasori.

"how ARE we gunna do this, Yasa?" asked Yasu.

"Don't ask me! You're the fanfic genius here. I'm just giving ideas."

"AAAWWW THANK YOU!! (GLOMP)"

K, so back to the story.

Again.

Itachi looked up. "Where the HELL are those voices coming from?!"

"AW SHUT UP, STUPID ITACHI AND DO AS YOUR MASTER AUTHORESSES COMMAND!!"

He stepped back, scared like a cat in a corner, about to be eaten by a Pit Bull dog.

"Can we get on with the damn story?" asked Dora…??

"OH MAH JEEZUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Yasa yelled.

"No, seriously, you guys got to get on with the story." She said.

"AW GO STICK THE MAP UP YOUR-"

"AASSSSSS I was saying…." Continued Sasori. Finally. ("LOVE YOU SASORI!" said Yasu.)

'GASP. FANGIRLS!!' Thought Sasori.

Itachi interrupted "oh please, fangirls, Sasori? Like you have any." He scoffed.

"OH-OH, UP YOURS, ITACHI!" yelled Sasori.

"YO MAMA!" yelled Itachi.

"OH-WHAT?!"

Finally, one of the readers through a vase at them.

OK, OK, WE'LL GET ON WITH THE STORY!! JEEZ…US….

"…right, so, how do we trick Deidara into thinking he has cancer?" asked Itachi.

"Simple. With a cookie." Sasori answered.

--123--

"OOOOOOHH DEIDAAAARRAAAA, LOOK! A COOKIE!" sasori yelled, pointing to a cookie in his hands.

"COOKIE!!" Deidara jumped for it, stopping half way since he was hit with a vase over the head.

He woke up later on, in his bed, with a grim Sasori and Itachi standing over him.

"…h-hey, what's going on?" Deidara asked, with a major headache. For some reason, his vision was blurry.

"You…you have- uh…….PSST! Itachi! Help me out here!" Sasori whispered the last part to Itachi.

Itachi's eyes widened. "UUUUHHHHMMM…..UH- YOU HAVE…." He turned around, flipping pages over the 'Encyclopedia Horrifica' that he was hunched over. "YOU HAVE UHM…PHERONEMOPHOBIA." (The fear of thinking. O-o)

"GASP! OMG!! What's that?" Deidara asked.

"…"  
"…"

"CANCER!!" Sasori yelled, he couldn't take the awkward silence anymore.

He didn't wanna have another Orochimaru walking around. (BTW, every time an awkward silence happens, a gay baby is born. NO OFFENSE. –Theory that Yasu and Yasa heard-)

"OH.MAH.JEEZUS!!" Deidara yelled.

"YEAH, IT'S CAUSED BY MOON SAND." Itachi joined, waving his arms around.

"DAMN YOU MOON SAND!! HOW DARE YOU BETRAAAAAAAAY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Deidara yelled, shaking his fists in the air, like some old mafia novella.

Then he set the moon sand on fire, forgetting it was flammable, making it explode all over the house.

"NOOOO! THE HOUSE IS CONTANIMATED!! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS INFECTUCATED!! MY POOR AMINALS!!" Deidara yelled.

"THE SYMPTOMS ARE: UHM, BAD GRAMMAR, BLURRY VISION, ADICTION TO MILK(CHOCOLATE), UHHHH…….AND THE DESIRE TO KILL A CERTAIN WEASEL. OH, AND, THE FEAR OF THINKING." Listed Sasori.

Itachi looked to him, a look of offense on his face. (Itachi means weasel in Japanese)

They forced cake down his throat in his knocked-out sleep, making him want milk, and his favorite flavor was chocolate.

The blurry vision was due to the fact that they slipped glasses on him while he was sleeping, not that he had noticed.

The bad grammar….well that was just him.

"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Deidara as he chugged milk chocolate. He got in a little fetal position in a corner of woe.

He twitched inconsistently, spilling milk on himself. Sasori and Itachi giggled, until Deidara tackled Itachi to the ground.

"IM GUNNA MURDERZ YOU, YOU- WEASEL!!" He yelled, shaking Itachi while holding his neck.

Sasori raised an eyebrow, and then Hidan came into the room, looking a Playboy magazine.

He stopped, looked at them, shrugged and left. Konan came out of the room, wearing Pein's shirt with messy hair and messy clothes. Pein came out shirtless, (showing off all his body piercing) with Konan's bra hanging on his head, wearing his pants. Backwards.

"OK, guess we all know what happened THERE…" Sasori muttered as he detached a rabid Deidara off of Itachi.

Konan blushed, throwing a paper ball at them.

Yasa grabbed it, blowing her nose. (She has a cold). "Damn you! It's too cold…" she muttered. Yasu raised an eyebrow, handing her another tissue. "That congestion must've gotten to your head…" she also murmured.

Kisame walked in the room, yelling "KAREOKE!!" Deidara went back to his corner, with foam rabies coming out of his mouth as he snarled.

They all just stared. "…huh?" Itachi questioned as he stood up, rubbing his head.

"KAREOKE!!" he yelled again. Everyone raised an eyebrow. He stopped waving his hands in the air. "KA.RE.O.KE!! DAMN YOU! DON'T YOU GUYS (censored) GET IT!!" everyone gasped, and then complied as he plugged in a microphone into the TV and some other contraption.

"I GO FIRST!!" yelled Kisame. He put the song on "Best Friend' by Toybox.

OH NO….

"IT'S A DUET!! C'MON ITACHI!!" he yelled, dragging Itachi.

Itachi rolled his eyes, letting himself be dragged.

"He's my best friend, best of all best friends  
Do you have a best friend too?  
It tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy  
Hey, you should get a best friend too!" Kisame sang the girl part…

"Hello baby, can I see a smile  
I'm going to a party and it's gonna be wild  
Can I come, I'm sitting alone  
no Friends are never alone  
Maybe some pretty girls are in your world  
Excuse me, I could also be girl  
Lately, everyone is making fun  
Na na na na...  
He's my best friend, best of all best friends  
Do you have a best friend too?  
It tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy  
Hey, you should get a best friend too!  
My best friend!  
Aloha baby, let's go to the beach  
Yeah, girls in bikini are waiting for me  
But I was hoping for a summer-romance  
So why can't you take a chance  
Maybe some pretty girls are in your world  
Excuse me, I could also be girl  
Lately, everyone is making fun  
Na na na na...  
He's my best friend, best of all best friends  
Do you have a best friend too?  
It tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy  
Hey, you should get a best friend too!  
My best friend!  
Maybe some pretty girls are in your world  
Excuse me, I could also be girl  
Lately, everyone is making fun  
Let's get this party on,  
Hit me with lazer gun  
Ooooh-whooa-whooa  
Come on boys!  
Hoo ha, hoo ha!  
Ooooh-whooa-whooa  
You should get a best friend too!  
Ooooh-whooa-whooa  
Come on boys!  
Hoo ha, hoo ha!  
Ooooh-whooa-whooa  
You should get a best friend too!  
He's my best friend, best of all best friends  
Do you have a best friend too?  
It tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy yummy  
Hey, you should get a best friend too!  
My best friend!"

Everyone was greatly disturbed. "OOOOOOOOK…" said Sasori.

Itachi was shaking like a leaf. Everyone had fled to various parts of the…world.

Kisame just stood there…with that creepy ass smile on his face.

"…LETS BE FRIENDS." He said, still smiling that…CREEPY.ASS.SMILE. that would be a great sign to RUN.

And as everyone ran, they had the opportunity to travel to various continents around the world, and enter many different witness protection programs.

Yasu turned to Yasa. "what now?"

"I don't know…" said Yasa.

Yasu stared at the screen.

Yasa followed the action.

As they did this, Sasori and Itachi were up to no good.

"okay, Dei-dei, we have to do something now…." Sasori snickered with a malicious glint in his eyes.

"ah. Yes, that we do." Itachi followed, hiding something behind his back.

Deidara whimpered, shrinking into the corner.

"we have to…." Sasori let the sentence hang.

"…SHAVE OFF YOUR HAIR!!" Itachi finished, bringing out a razor he'd been hiding.

"NO!! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE NEXT BRITNEY SPEARS!!" he shrieked, using one arm to cover his head, and the other to snatch Yasa's tissues.

"MUAHAHAAH!" they cackled.

Itachi attempted to hold him down. Deidara weakly slapped him in a very homosexual manner, eating a piece of Itachi's cheek off in the process.

Itachi screamed like a girl, dropping the razor in a fish tank. Kisame screeched for his fishies, then fainted.

Sasori jumped on Deidara with a battle-cry.

Pein paused for a moment, to think over his epiphany. _'…is my clan really this gay…?' _he shook his head, shuddering at the thought.

Itachi grabbed Deidara's wrist, his eyes wild and his cheek sprouting a fountain of blood. He forced Deidara's fang-filled hand to his head of full, beautiful blond hair.

"EEEK!" Deidara screamed as his hand attached to his well-groomed masterpiece, and began to shave his hair off. Sasori soon joined, grabbing the other hand as Deidara yelled and kicked and sobbed.

Yasa sobbed, hiding under an orange-yellow blanket. "LEAVE DEI-DEI ALOOONE! YOU'RE LUCKY HE EVEN PERFORMS FOR YOU PEOPLE! AAGGHHH-GH-GH!!" she sobbed, mascara running down her cheeks.

"I DON'T WEAR MASCARA!! WHY YOU SAY THAT? AAGHH-G-GH-GHH!!" she sobbed, throwing towels and articles of clothing at Yasu.

Deidara sobbed, reaching for his now-bald-head. He looked to Yasa with big, wet, sparkly puppy-eyes. She threw a blond wig toward him, which hit him on the bald head. He quickly chased after it, placing it messily on his shiny head.

He then began his journey to Konoha, in search for a hospital. After he traveled through wind, rain, snow, hail, blizzards, desserts, epic ending-season battles, and youtube, he finally arrived at his destination.

"I'm afraid you don't have cancer, Mr.Deidara." the doctor announced, reading off the clipboard they always seem to have.

It took Deidara a full three days to process that.

"IIIIIIIIIII'LLLLLLLLL KKKIIIIIIIIILLLLLL TTTHHHHEEEEEEEEMMMMMMM!!" he exploded at 7:00 AM in the morning at the hospital, which he had not moved from for the past 72 hours.

"YEAH!" Yasa agreed.

Together, they created moon sand bombs, blowing everything to a flammable oblivion.

The end. 

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**We are open to CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM, please keep in mind that there is a thin line between that and FLAMES- which we DO NOT ACCEPT.**

**Due to the occurrence in our last crack fic, we aren't accepting any FLAMES!! (I swear, we will so ABUSE-BUTTON YOUR ASS!!)**

**Thank you.**

**Sincerely,**

** Y&Y**


End file.
